Don't miss it

I've spent the last few days realizing how fortunate I am to be at the place I am in my life. I've mentioned before how frustrated I sometimes am with the fact that marital prospects seem nonexistent. There just haven't been any guys on the horizon in, well, ever. Hence joining eharmony, which I now realize I mostly did because I needed to know that there are guys out there that I would find suitable as a mate. Truthfully, I am so not ready to be married yet. I'm not even totally sure I'm ready for a relationship. My life is so crazy on its own without adding something else into the mixture.

I'm so blessed that as a 23 year old, the only person I really have to worry about is myself. That's not to say that the desire for a husband and the desire for children isn't in my heart. Oh, it's there, but God has been ever so gently reminding me that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) and that right now is not that time.

In a lot of ways, I have realized how self-centered I can be. Partly through this blog, I think. The only thing I ever write about is my experiences. I know that's part of what blogging is, but that's not what it has to be. I have a desire to volunteer time somewhere. My city has tons of opportunities, but I get caught up in how busy I am. This week is exceptionally busy, but I'm still taking time for myself. That's important, but obviously I'm not that busy. I'm writing this. Not that this is that time consuming, but I could spend this time doing something else more productive. Writing/blogging is productive for me, but  it doesn't help anybody other than myself. One day when I become a super famous blogger and write about all my knowledge and wealth of information, that will all change.

I think it comes down to not wishing my life away. I always say I don't want to, and I don't, but sometimes I definitely do. Especially when I know somebody getting engaged just about every other week (although it can't be worse than the year of 2011 when I had over 30 friends/acquaintances get engaged; six were in a two week span and another four were in about a 10 day span). Or when I am in the midst of a crazy busy school week or am studying for a ridiculous test. Those kinds of things. But I will never get to be 23 again. I won't ever be able to live on my own only being responsible for myself. I won't ever have the luxury of only having to work part time because I've spent the last five years of my life preparing for this. I won't have the ability to decide to go to Chili's with friends every Wednesday night just because I can. Because I am only accountable for myself and don't have any responsibilities to anyone other than myself.

I don't always like my life. Who does? We all have rough days. I do love my life, though. I know that in twenty years when I'm married and have teenagers (holy crap, except they probably won't be teenagers quite yet), that I will look back fondly on this time in my life. I hope that I don't wish to return to it. I don't want to waste away my 40's either by living in the past, but I also only get one chance to live what I am living right now and I don't want to miss it.