Friend groups and obligation

It's no secret that I am an introvert. Through and through. There is no denying it. I am perfectly content to stay home for days at a time. Until there is a snow/ice storm, in which case I go stir crazy after about two day simply because I cannot go anywhere, but I digress. I am not, nor have I ever been, someone who needs to have plans every weekend. Sometimes, though, it's just nice to be invited. Especially when I am standing right there.

To some extent, I think my issues with this date back to childhood when I was quite often the third wheel among my two best friends. Of course, I have realized in retrospect that one of those friends was never actually my friend. The other one was, and I was petty about some stuff that caused some things to change. In high school, I had two distinct friend groups that sometimes intermingled. One was a group of five, the other a group of three. I think you can probably guess where I fell among those groups.

In college, I didn't really have a consistent friend group, but I was also consistently lonely. There were people here and there; my roommate, a girl I had several classes with who was also my roommate's best friend's roommate, a girl I went to church with. And that was about it.

Grad school is the first time that comes to mind where there were a group of friends and I consistently felt like part of the group. There were the core 4 of us, and a few others who were nearly always invited, and would hang out with us at times, but mostly it was the 4 of us. I know I just acknowledged that there have been times when somebody who could be considered a 5th wheel, but i don't think I ever intentionally didn't invite someone to something. Chili's nights (which were 95% of the hanging out we did outside of school) were always an open invitation.

So now here I am in my "real" adult life. I, again, have two very distinct friend groups. My co-workers and my church friends. I occasionally feel awkward with my co-workers, but part of that is that I "joined" that group after they had been working together for a while. My church friends are a little less inclusive. That's sad, right?

There is a big group of about 30 of us who are either in small group together or have been at some point and do things outside church and small group occasionally - movie nights, bonfires, etc. Within that group, there are, of course smaller groupings. One of those groups is some of the first people I met when I started going to church there. There are five of them. Well, four; one just moved. Last night, some of us got together for dinner and a bonfire. Three of the four were there and while another girl and I were standing right there, started talking about the lunch plans they had with each other today. Or will reference something they did together previously, talk about a group text, or make comments about having something they need to talk about with one another but, "not right now." I know that sounds SO petty, but it really just feels shitty to be standing right there listening to them go on about their plans and know I'm not invited. I'm sure I could say something, and I have thought about it. Of course, the needing to talk to somebody about something I get, but there are less rude ways to go about doing that. And while, yes, it is really annoying, I have also realized that I don't need to waste my time with people who don't want me there. That's easier to tell myself than it is to feel, because it still feels really crappy. Sometimes, I just want to feel like I am wanted. Like people actually notice if I'm not there. Then I started thinking about one of the other girls who is newish to our group who I think is absolutely hilarious and who I can easily pick up a conversation with. She and her husband have only been in town for a while, and I think they have some friends, but it made me think about the fact that I should invite her to hang out sometime. Because she is somebody I would WANT to hang out with.

I have a serious case of FOMO at times, but at the end of the day, I don't need to waste my time with people who only have me around out of obligation.

Guys and subpar songs

This morning on the way to church, I was listening to the radio. That's pretty typical. On Sunday mornings, the radio station I listen to 99% of the time has an "unplugged" segment with acoustic, live, and alternate recordings of songs. Most of the time, I don't mind hearing these alternate and unpolished songs (and fortunately, the radio station plays music of people who can actually sing and don't need significant polishing). Anyhow, this morning they were playing a song I have heard multiple times before. I like the song okay; not my favorite, but it's not one of those songs that forces me to change the station when it comes on. On this particular version, the artist took a little too much artistic liberty (think when people choose to let their vocal cords loose in an effort to sound unique at the end of the National Anthem). I couldn't take it. It sounded absolutely ridiculous and made an otherwise okay song sound awful. So I turned off the radio, and for whatever reason, I had an epiphany. I mean, not really because I have thought about this before, it was just a new context.

Being with a guy for the sake of being with a guy or for the sake of not being single is like listening to a subpar song because I would rather listen to something than nothing. Rather listen to outside noise than the noise in my own head.

Exhausted and lucky

In the midst of the inconsistency, insanity, and overall overwhelmingness that is my job, I sometimes forget to appreciate the little moments that are the reason why I do what I do.

Today I was an architect, a car manufacturer, a chef, a mother, and an expert hula hooper.

I don't know many people who can say that. I come home exhausted pretty much every day, but man, I sure am lucky.