We are on day three of snow days (and by snow, what I actually mean is about half an inch that is just enough to make the roads wet and then freeze overnight; it's really just enough to keep whoever makes the decision about canceling school cancel school. Have I mentioned before that I live in the south?), so I have taken it upon myself to catch up on some reading. And by catch up on, I actually mean start reading the pile of books I have ordered from Amazon in the last few months that tend to sit on my bookshelf and collect dust.
The book I am currently reading is Beautiful Uncertainty by Mandy Hale. At the end of one of the chapters, she leaves a space for the reader to write a letter to someone with whom they haven't had closure. A past significant other, a friend, a family member. Anyone, really. I looked at the page with no intention of writing in the book, but pondered the idea. Is there anyone I don't have closure with? I can think of a few people in the past with whom I haven't had closure, but as someone who writes relatively regularly and any time a situation warrants it, I couldn't think of anyone with whom I don't have closure. It may not be a collective closure, but I have made closure in my own way with everyone I need to make it with. So I started thinking about people who are currently in my life. Are there any people who are currently in my life but with whom there is a past situation that is without closure, and the answer there is also no. I mean there are certainly some situations in which people in my life and I don't see things eye to eye, and I have addressed it with the person and also with myself to the extent that is appropriate and necessary.
I couldn't stop asking myself, "Is there anyone with whom I don't have closure?" The only person I could think of was myself. I don't know what that says or what that means or how to even begin working my way through what it would look like to have closure with myself. You can't really have closure with yourself, because life is a series of growing, changing and moving forward, but I guess I see it as having things from the past that I have not resolved.
The two that immediately come to mind are my weight and my career choice. The unresolution of my career choice is mostly, I think, because it's new and there are so many days I don't think I am doing anything more than I think it was actually the wrong career choice.
I currently weigh the most I have ever weighed, I don't look good, and I don't feel great. Somehow I'm unmotivated and undetermined to change things, and I don't know why.
I had a little bit of a breakdown at work last week, and as a result decided it was time to go see a counselor. I'm in the process of getting a referral through the employee assistance program my work has because the first two people I got referred to don't have availability during times I'm not working, but I digress. I had been wondering what in the world I actually intended to bring to counseling other than the fact that I have a high stress job, but I think the mere fact that I the only person I can think of with whom I don't have closure is myself is a pretty good place to start.
