The pendulum swings

And just like that, the pendulum swings the other way. It seems hilarious and fitting that I wrote my last entry less than 12 hours ago, because this evening when I got on Facebook, the first thing that popped up was a former crush's engagement. My heart dropped, and I about threw up. Not that I'm not excited for him; I am, of course. Not that I still have feelings for him, I don't. It's just frustrating. I won't go into details, but it's just another situation where comparison is the thief of joy. I knew it was probably coming. I am embarrassed I even feel this way. What is wrong with me that I can't be happy for someone about an upcoming unification with the person they love most?

Edit 11/16: Last night after I wrote this, I texted one of my friends I rarely talk to, but is frequently my go to person when I need to whine. Yes, it's weird. I know. It's what works for us. When I first texted him, I didn't even say what happened. I just told him to tell me to stop overthinking and to remind me that comparison is the thief of joy. So he asked me what happened, and I explained. He then asked me just the question I needed to be asked to process the event and why I was feeling the way I was feeling. He asked me what was bothering me. Was it that he was engaged, was it that I wasn't engaged, or was it that he wasn't engaged to me?

And I realized exactly what it was. This former crush and I have had multiple conversations about feeling like we were behind everyone else our age. We have talked about how we can't imagine actually finding someone who would want to be with us. We have talked about how it feels like we're doing something wrong in the midst of being around people who appear to have their lives together. So when I think about it in that context, it makes sense. Because this guy was in my boat for a long time. We commiserated together about our common plight. Except it's not a common plight anymore. It's just me. Just my plight.

I think for me, everything about this situation, everything about my frustration with being single. Everything related to the difficulties I tend to have at work comes down to control. I allow myself to be out of control in some areas of my life, but even then, it's still about control. It's not out of control because I can't control it. It's out of control because I let it be. The things in my life that are out of control because they are uncontrollable are the things that bring me anxiety and frustration. They bring me guilt and envy, and a never ending sense of being completely and totally overwhelmed.

So yeah, at the end of the day, it really isn't about anything other than my inability to control this situation and many of the other significant situations in my life.

Timelines that I don't know

Last night, a group of people from my church had a worship night at a someone's home. It was wonderful for lots of reasons. The time together with friends, meeting new people, worshiping together. But something the family had on a wall in their kitchen was just what I needed to see.

The family had one of those pieces of date artwork. Kind of like this. It had their birthdates, their anniversary, and the birthdates of their children. So I'm looking at these dates, and I realized that they were 31 and 30 when they got married and 34 and 33 when their first child was born.

It's no secret I'm single. No secret that most of my friends are married. No secret that my friends are starting to have children on purpose, or are at least discussing the matter. And here I am. Twiddling my thumbs. Sharing the hilarious stories of the things guys say in messages on okcupid while I try to cover the pang of lonely with laughter.

I may not be on the timeline I had in mind. I may be on a timeline much different than most of the people in my life. But comparison is the thief of joy. I'm on my own timeline. Everyone is on their own timeline. Being single at 26 doesn't mean anything. It isn't predictive of anything. It has no bearing on who I am or on what the future holds. All it means that I am single right now. It doesn't mean I will be forever. It also doesn't mean that I will eventually not be single. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if my future involves a man or children. Or both or neither. I don't know if my future involves this city, this profession, this living situation. What I do know is that God has something planned. That he works in ways I rarely understand.