I'm not sure how it is possible that three weeks have gone by since I last posted anything, and nearly a month since I posted something that was more than seventeen syllables in length.
It's actually not for lack of trying. I have, but words escape me. It probably has a little bit to do with the fact that last week is the first time since mid March that things have not been in a nearly constant state of crisis at work. Another bit has to do with a lot of confusion about my apartment lease and lots of ambiguity from people who should know answers. A little to do with weird family things. But mostly because I don't know where to start. Or if I do start, where I'm going. Or how I can possibly end in a place that isn't weird. My continued inability to decide what is and is not appropriate to share. The fact that I miss hand writing and don't find as much joy in blogging as I once did.
As I think back over my online journaling history, I realize this is something I have been doing for close to half my life. It started because it's what my friends were doing. It morphed into a way of making note of life events, and that turned into a way to express myself when other means failed. Writing is, I think, still my preferred method of expression, but it doesn't feel the same. I guess I feel voiceless here. Ironic considering the entire purpose of this blog was to be open, but I have to hide so much of myself. It isn't even really that I have to hid myself. I have to hide the professional work part of myself. The truth of the matter is, though, that my professional work self is a huge part of my personal self. The nature of my job is that it is often inappropriate to share events of the day with people in my life, let alone the internet. But there are some basic things I can share and still feel I can't. I think out of fear that it will be clear what I do, which is silly. I mean my job isn't so ambiguous that when I tell people what I do they ask what that is, but it also isn't that common of a job. In the three-quarters of a million city in which I reside, there are less than five hundred people who would answer the question, "what do you do?" in the same or similar way I would. Maybe that's why it freaks me out. I don't know. I have never explicitly said where I live. Although it's probably abundantly clear in which area of the country I reside. And obviously I just narrowed it down quite a bit by stating the size of my city.
What the hell.
I'm a school counselor.
Some days I hate my job, and I can't decide if it is because I made the wrong choice and am in the wrong field or if it is because the last two moths have been highly unusual. I'm determined to stick with it for the time being, but I have spent a lot of the last few months with second guessing, self doubt, and feelings of incompetence. And let me just tell you, that is a really hard place to be.
Until one of my lovely office mates shared this article with me two Fridays ago after a particularly rough day that ended in a 30 minute conversation with my principal in which I cried for about 28 of those minutes.
I love the last few sentences,
"Listen to me. You HAVE to decide what you believe to be the most important work in the world and then you have to DO THAT WORK. Because THIS is what happens… God shows up."
Some days I still wonder if this is what is right, but most days, I still feel like being a school counselor is the most important work in the world. How lucky am I to stand outside every morning and get hugs from my little loves as I welcome them to school? How fun is it to watch a child jump and down with anticipation as I excitedly open a picture that has been drawn for me? And how fortunate am I that the purpose of my job, my purpose in the school, is to help children become successful adults?
It's hard. Sometimes I have to do things outside of my comfort zone or outside of my job description. Sometimes I want to call in sick when I wake up with a dull headache. Sometimes I complain about stuff over which I have no control. But at the end of the day, to me, being a school counselor is the most important work in the world.
