What do I want to do?

This evening I was at CVS and the cashier and I began discussing school, because evidently she is in school as well. I asked her what she was majoring in and what school she was attending. Then she was asking me where I went and what I was majoring in. Before I could explain that I already had a degree and was working on my masters, she stopped me and said not to tell her because she wanted to guess.

She guessed art.

Art? Really? I told her I liked to do artsy things, but that I wasn't very good at it, which is true. I love painting and doodling and am pretty crafty when I set my mind to it, but I am not artistic. Anyway, so I told her what my degree was in and what I was getting my masters in. She asked what I planned to do with it. And granted, that is a legitimate question, but it's pretty much in the name. I'm not going to say what it is, but it's like asking somebody who tells you that they are in pharmacy school, elementary education, or nursing school what they want to do. I mean, it's not even med school where you could be asking what field they are going into when you ask what they are going to do with that. I guess the same could be said for nursing since there are many different types of nurses, but still. My masters pretty much gives me the one option. There is some flexibility, of course, and I can do extra things that would allow for me to do things outside of my one specific thing. Maybe I am being too critical. I have been asked that question before, though. Maybe it is the snark in me, but I find it highly amusing.

And on that note, it is two in the morning here and I am still awake. Good thing I don't have anything to do tomorrow!

Weird

After getting beers with my one childhood friend on Monday evening, I came to the realization that I am the world's only 24-year-old virgin. I mean obviously that is not true, but sometimes it certainly feels like it. Even though I chose choose this. Part of it too is that the opportunity has not ever really presented itself. I have never been in a relationship, much less one that was serious enough to even begin discussing that. And again, I choose to wait and intend to wait until I am married. Regardless, I know it makes me weird. And it bothers me, which is probably just about the craziest thing ever for a few reasons. First of all, I am weird. I embrace my weirdness, and I fully own up to it. It is what makes me who I am. Weird does not necessarily equal bad or wrong. Second of all, the only main reason it bothers me is that I apparently refuse to stop playing the comparison game. Even though I cannot wait to get married and have sex (and yes, I realize how superficial that sounds; that is not how I mean it in the least), I don't want to not be a virgin because that would mean that I would have had sex with someone other than the man I will spend my life with.

Since I couldn't stop dwelling on it, I did the only thing I ever do when I can't stop dwelling on something: text best friend. It is a mixed bag with him sometimes. At times he will tell me to stop whining and to get over whatever it is I am whining about. Or he will tell me that it will be okay. Usually he is right, but sometimes I need more than for him just to say that. Sometimes, though, best friend strikes gold with his responses, and this was one of those times. He essentially told me that my choosing to wait was one of the things he respected most about me and that even though he knew he couldn't change things, he wished that his fiancée would have been his only. Of course he did also mention the connection that comes along with having sex with the person you love and how much it would suck to get married and then for it to not be there, which I get, but I also realize that I am not going to know any different. 

Truly, I think it goes back to the fact that pretty much everyone around me is in a relationship of some sort and I am not. I never have been. And some days, most days, really, it feels like I never will be. And even though I don't want to live a life where I am constantly comparing myself to others because, hello, I am living my life, not theirs, I also realize that society has a timeline by which I am expected to follow and if I don't then I am, well, weird.

Because I like clichés

I have spent portions of the last week and a half binge watching Friday Night Lights. Such a beautiful, fantastic, well done show. This is at least the third time watching it all the way through, and I know it won't be the last. Part of the reason I have been binge watching it is that I, quite literally, have nothing else to do. I mean sure, I am working some, but that really is about it. I finished my Christmas shopping and wrapping last week, I had a Christmas party at my apartment on Monday night, so my apartment is sparkling. Except for the four foot by 18 inches by one foot box that is laying on the floor just inside my entry way because Target, in all its gloriousness (and I don't say that in complete sarcasm; I do love Target, but I am a little frustrated with them at the moment) left out one two-inch dowel for this fantastic entry way bench my grandma got me for Christmas. ONE. And it will take seven to ten days for it to arrive. I was am quite disappointed about that. I mean aren't they supposed to include extras of all the parts? I wanted to complain when the customer service person told me 7-10 days, but what was she going to be able to do? Apologize? I'm sure she has talks to her fair share of a*holes in a day. I did not want to add to that. So if you are reading this, Target, I am disappointed. You are lucky that I am so infatuated with you that it will not cause a problem in our relationship.

I wrote an intensely long post last night and ended up not posting it. Everything I said in it was true, but it was also mean spirited. I feel conflicted about it. I mean, the entire purpose of this blog is to be honest. Suffice it to say, I am being incredibly, INCREDIBLY, judgmental about a certain situation that is occurring right now in my life, and while I find the situation absolutely ridiculous and am fairly certain it is not going to end well, I also realize that I have given my word regarding said situation and that I need to be supportive.

Oh being vague. When I re-read this post at some point in the future, I will probably have no idea what I was talking about, and that is okay.

This evening while I was watching FNL, I couldn't help but miss people. Not necessarily one person in particular, just people. I started thinking about relationships. About my friends. About my singleness (because, duh, I can't write a blog post and not mention that I am single). I finally realized something. I think. It is that I miss having a person. For most of my life, other than 7th grade, which was by far the worst year of my life, I pretty much always had a person. You know, someone who, pretty much no matter what was there. They were my go to person and I was theirs. At various times I had several. And most of the time, I was one of a few go to people for them. Which was fine. I think that is where the whole relationship thing gets me most. Because everybody almost everybody in my life is in a relationship, they basically have a built in go to person. Their one go to person. And I don't have that. I mean I do. I have great friends and a wonderful family, and they are all helpful and special to me in their own way. But none of them are my person because their person is their boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, fiancée, husband, or wife. Which is great. I am not hating on that or on them. I do not expect to be their person. That is silly and unrealistic. But that is kind of the point. I am not jealous that these boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés, fiancées, husbands, and wives are not my person. I am envious that they have a person. Maybe that is weird. I don't know.

And I also realize that having a person is not going to magically make my life better or somehow make it complete or anything like that. I know that. Even though I am an introvert to the core and like my alone time. Well, need it to be more specific, I do get lonely at times. I also don't want my loneliness or desire for a person to get me into a place where I settle for less than what I expect out of a boyfriend/husband.

I try to remind myself that I have the opportunity to water grass that most of the people in my life no longer have the opportunity to water. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It is green where you water it. My days as a single person are limited. Or maybe they aren't. I don't know. But if I spend them being envious or jealous of the grass next door, down the road, or on the other side of town, I miss the potential to have bright green grass in my own front yard. Frankly, that seems like a sad and depressing way to live my life.

Can't stop

I never intend to go so long without posting. Sometimes life happens, though. It has been a busy few weeks.

Got to spend some time with best friend and his fianceé, time with family at Thanksgiving in brother and sister-in-law 3's new house, time at the beach with my mom, brother and sister-in-law 2 (and their dog and super cute new puppy who I am kind of obsessed with). And now that I am home again, I am finally getting to spend time by myself. I love my family, but I am an introvert. Being around anybody, no matter how much I enjoy being around them and love them, is overwhelming after a while.

Somewhere in that time frame, I had a miniature freak out where I questioned if I really believed in God. Not necessarily his existence per se, just who he was. That probably makes no sense. I had been pondering for a while what happens to babies/small children/individuals with low mental capacity when they die if they die before they have a chance to accept/reject/understand that Jesus died for them. Anyway, it finally came to a head and I freaked out about it for about a day until I realized that, hey, I should probably see what I can find in the Bible about that. Nothing super specific is ever said, but there are several references that make me comfortable enough to believe that they do go to heaven.

My course work for grad school is done, which is just about the weirdest thing ever. I am excited, but it is also really hard to believe. As long as nothing weird happens with my internships (which are just pass/fail classes), I will graduate from grad school with a 4.0. I know grades aren't everything and that after I get my first job, they really won't matter in the least, but I am still pretty proud of myself. Despite that, none of my grades are posted yet, and I am not being very patient about it.

Earlier this afternoon, I made some sugar scrub (recipe here) and was decorating the jars after I finished. I had this weird realization that this could be the last Christmas I have as a single person. Of course I also know that I could have many more after this one, but it is weird to think about. I always get somewhat reflective toward the end of the year, so I am just realizing how much things can change over the course of a year.

Last year if you had told me that best friend would be engaged and that I was going to be a bridesmaid in his wedding, I would have laughed at you.

If you had told me that I would rely on Wednesday/Tuesday nights at Chili's as if my life depended on it, I would have thought you were weird.

Had I known that I would make it through practicum without once questioning if this is what I want to be doing and almost always feeling confident and comfortable with where I am thus far, I would have said you were lying.

Other things are pretty much the way I would have thought.

But really, if you think about it, it only takes one little thing. One instant, really, to potentially change everything.

And I can't stop thinking about that.