Hidden From Plain View: November 2014

Why am I writing a blog at 1:20 in the morning? That is an excellent question. I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that I remained in bed until almost 11:00 this morning. It definitely also has nothing to do with the fact that I had two cups of coffee today, one of which didn't get finished until almost 4:00. I forget how much caffeine effects me since it doesn't exactly energize me. Truthfully, the main reason I even drink coffee every morning beyond just enjoying the way it tastes, is that it serves as a protective measure against headaches. I can wake up fine without it, though. I tried to cut it out a few weeks back, but after headaches two days in a row, I kind of said "screw it" and returned to my morning cup.

Winter has arrived in the south. I mean, whoa. It was literally 70 degrees last week, and it is currently 25. The high ~~tomorrow~~ today is only 34. It was flurrying earlier. In the south. In November. It's madness. Madness, I tell you! I bring this up not because I am a boring person who talks about the weather, although I am totally a boring person who talks about the weather, but because cold weather reminds me I am single. Weird, I know. Actually, pretty much anything can remind me I am single if I let it. It's a combination of loving the idea of having somebody to cuddle up with while we stay home on a cold ~~winter~~ fall night watching a movie, reading a book, or just talking and the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas both just feel like times to be with the ones you love. I love my family, don't get me wrong, and I am beyond excited to have all nine of us together in one place next week for the first time since brother and sister-in-law 2's wedding. Well actually in ever. Brother and sister-in-law 2 haven't met my nephew yet. Some of it I probably bring upon myself because I always think to myself that maybe by next year I will have a significant other, but I never do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am completely and totally idealizing what it will be like to be in a relationship. I know it will be harder than I can imagine or comprehend. However, I also know that the things in life that are the most worth doing and from which the most joy and pleasure come are the most difficult. I was telling my one single friend earlier, and yes, all of my friends but her are married, that I just want to have a person. Someone who is mutually the first person the other goes to when anything noteworthy occurs, positive or negative. I went on to tell her that it feels like I am missing something I have never had. I don't know how to explain it other than that.

It's easy to get down on myself about these things at times. Particularly when I look at the very wise quote I have on a sticky note on my desk. It is a huge reminder that I need to check myself. I don't know where it came from, but the quote says, "Are you the type of person that the person you are looking for is looking for?" Huh. No. Not really. Kind of a kick you while you're down quote. I can never bring this up with my married friends because they all dismiss me and tell me how young I am. Which is easy for them to say because they are, well, married. Most of them were married by the time they were my age or very were at least in a relationship with the person they are now married to. Am I young? Well, I suppose it depends on how you define it. I mean I'm not old, but I am definitely at the point where most people my age are married and also the point that people who I don't know particularly well and/or spend a lot of time with (ahem, my aunt) ask if there is a special guy in my life. I know they mean well. I know it is because they are interested in what is going on my life, but it doesn't feel great.

I do my best to be okay with where I am at, but sometimes where I am at is not at all where I want to be and I have to find a way to be okay with that.