Truth, the soul, and my job

Sunday morning, I opened my yogurt and there a Walt Whitman quote on the foil. My bleary eyes mistook it for Walt Disney, so I was a bit confused. I was already running late to get out the door, so I left the lid on the counter for later.

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth."

"No, it isn't." I thought. We look toward lots of things to satisfy our soul, but there's only one Truth. And then I backpeddled. There's only one thing that can satisfy our souls, and that thing isn't a thing. The only One who can satisfy our soul is the One who created it. So yes. Whatever satisfies the soul is truth. He is the only true satisfier. He is the only truth.

I started thinking about a quote that was in one of my math books in college,

"Have you ever wondered how we come to know truth? Most college students would agree that finding out what is true about the world, ourselves, and others constitutes a very important activity. A little reflection reveals that much of our time is spent in precisely this way. If we are studying geography, we want to know what is true about the geography of a particular region.  Is the region mountainous or flat, agricultural or industrial?  If our interest is in studying human beings, we want to know what is true about humans.  Do we truly possess a spiritual nature, or are we truly reducible solely to atoms and molecules, as the reductionists Would have it?  How do humans think?  What happens in the body to produce a sensation or a movement?  When I get angry is it true that there is a unique underlying physiological pattern?  What is the pattern?  Is my true purpose in life to become a teacher?  Is it true that animals think?  We could go on indefinitely with examples because so much of our lives is spent seeking and acquiring truth." - Understanding Statistics in the Behavioral Sciences [I have no idea what edition it was, but hey, this was from 6.5 years ago]

Did you catch that last sentence? "So much of our lives is spent seeking and acquiring truth."

In other words, if you combine the thought process of good old Walt and the person who wrote that math book, so much of our lives is spent searching for the One who satisfies the soul.

It makes me wonder how many ways and how much time I have spent searching for something else to fill myself. Trying to make something else my truth. 

I think I so often get caught up in what I have going on in my life that I tend to neglect what Who is most important.

Right now, my church is doing a series on faith and work, which could not have come a better time. It was fitting that when I was looking for this quote, I skimmed across a few things I wrote around the time I moved to start grad school. The summer prior to my move, I worked my last of five summers at a summer camp, and it was the 3rd summer with the same class. To say I had become attached is an understatement. One of the things I wrote was, "I'd venture to say that being a friend to a child is one of the best, hardest, most fun, sweetest things in life. And this is one of the many reasons I want to be a school counselor."

I about cried reading that. My job is hard. It's so hard. It's weighty, it's exhausting. It entails so many things beyond my comfort zone, beyond my knowledge base, beyond my experience. It stretches me in ways I couldn't have imagined when I wrote that three years ago. And still, I would venture to say that being a friend to a child is one of the best, hardest, most fun, sweetest things in life and that it is the best part of being a school counselor.

Be the Center - Yikes

It's no secret that I'm doing online dating. I have come and gone from OkCupid a multitude of times, but pretty much always end up back there. In the period of about a year, I've been on dates with three different guys. I had date plans with another who ended up bailing. I have spent some time talking with four more, two casually, two a bit more seriously. Most recently with a more serious one. He lives about 80 miles away, but we discussed going on a date in a few weekends when we are both free. Things were going well. Or so I thought. There were no indicators that they weren't. Either that or I am completely oblivious. I may be a bit oblivious, but not enough to miss out on something that would cause a change. And yet, apparently that changed at some point yesterday when there was radio silence. I was a bit concerned, but figured that maybe he was just having a busy day. That is until I realized that he had also deleted his OkCupid profile.

Yeah, not just a busy day.

When I realized that things were over before they had really begun, I felt a combination of sadness and anger. Of hurt and inadequacy. Never mind the fact that I can't control the actions of others. Never mind the fact that even if it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him, it really ultimately still has everything to do with him. But it still hurts and it's still hard. If I'm not his jam, that's fine. It's his deal, not mine. I cannot, nor should I, change because of a guy. I was left wondering, because this is the second time a guy I have been talking to somewhat seriously has just disappeared, if I am missing some glaring sign, but I don't think I am.

I woke up this morning hoping I would be wrong. That he would have responded to my text message asking if things were okay.

Nothing.

Hurt and frustration. And then perspective.

This guy did me a favor. It sucks that he doesn't have enough respect for me as a human being to be honest with me, but he showed me that before I got too invested.

I read this article the other day, and decided now would be a good time to read it again. It's basically about how pursuing things with someone when you're not ready and when you don't have your relationship with God going in the direction it should be, you're going to end up causing pain by forcing and rushing things. At one point he says,

So join with me in individually submitting to God. Even if that means there actually isn't a Mr. or Mrs. Right waiting for us. Can we be okay with that? Can we trust God and be okay with whatever the outcome, knowing that we have already received all that we need in His Son? That's a hard question, but until you're in a place where you're okay with never getting married, you won't be in a place [to be pursued].

Yikes.

God's timing is perfect, and while that doesn't necessarily mean I wait around for Mr. Right (or nobody) to show up at my door, it also means I have to be patient. I have to trust that I'm a work in progress and that if I'm supposed to get married, I will. It doesn't feel good. I don't like saying that. Because I don't want it to be an if. I also know I have to be careful not to turn God into a means to an end. God is not a genie or a vending machine. This isn't, "Sarah, if you do what I ask you to and if you really believe in me and are looking toward me first, then I'll give you a husband." This is, "Sarah, I need you to trust that I know what's best for you and to submit to that."

Yikes.

There is a song called Be the Center, and it's basically asking Jesus to be at the center of your life. What would it look like if I lived a life where Jesus was the center? The answer is that I don't know. Because it hasn't happened. And it won't; not on my own. Because I can't do it on my own. Jesus can't be at the center of my life if I don't ask Him and allow Him to be. Because when I ask Him to be at the center, that means I can't remain the center.

Yikes.

Jesus, thank you that you can take "yikes" to "yes!" Thank you that it's okay for me to ask You to be the center.