The Greater Risk

I often sit down to start writing, and eventually close the window because I don't know what to say. Don't know where to start. Don't know if the letters, words, sentences I type will be cohesive enough. Will be interesting enough. Will adequately take thoughts out of my mind and put them into something tangible. So I walk away, and I tell myself I will try again another day. The alternative is that I do get something out and ultimately choose not to press the publish button. Most of the time, it is because there is no real ending to whatever I have written. I leave many posts unfinished and unpublished because they are unpolished. Most of my posts turn into streams of consciousness, which are great for my mental state. They are not great for anybody who may choose to read them, but I don't suppose that is really the point. My writing has never been for anyone other than me. As I was typing the letters that formed the words that formed the sentence about my posts being unfinished, I was reminded of a quote that is from a spoken word poem called A Lot Like You by Rudy Francisco (you can find the video of him performing it here).

Aren't we all unfinished, don't we all need editing  

Aren't we all waiting to be read to be someone

Praying they will tell us that we make sense?

Maybe part of the beauty of writing is that it is always unfinished. Always open for editing. Waiting for someone to read it and find something meaningful. Or, in my case, waiting to be reread by an older version of myself looking to make sense of the past and the way it is inextricably intertwined with the present.

If I am honest, I would love to share the things I write with the people in my life. For years, I have been better at expressing myself through writing than through speaking. Part of it is my introversion, part of it is the high functioning anxiety that permeates my life, but mostly, it's just easier; less risky. On the vulnerability scale where 0 is never interacting with anyone at all and 10 is an invitation into all aspects of my life, speaking to someone about something difficult or that I struggle with is about an 8.5 while writing about the exact same thing is only about a 7. Writing is my mechanism for being vulnerable without totally exposing myself. I don't know what that says about me. It's clearly a manifestation of fear. Fear of disapproval, of rejection, of raised eyebrows and eye rolls. And even though writing feels safer, I choose not to share it because it's not safe enough. I choose to live most of my life at about a 3, so sharing anything I have written, no matter how personal or impersonal it is, feels risky. Sometimes not risking anything is, in the end, the greater risk.

Reassurance

After a weird weekend last weekend dealing with some of the aftermath of this, most notably getting multiple calls from jail, which isn't creepy at all. I eventually had to use the option given by the collect call to stop receiving collect calls from that number. I don't think I ever mentioned that I found out a few days after all that happened that he had actually gotten a DUI a year or two back. I have no idea how long he is in jail this time, nor does it really matter to me, although I am not looking forward to him attempting to contact me once he gets out. I have his number blocked on my phone, so hopefully he will let things go, but I'm not exactly counting on it.

Last week I went to visit brother and sister-in-law 3 because my mom was down there babysitting my nephew while they had some other things going on. I often make trips down there when my mom is visiting just because it is closer than where my mom lives. Plus it's like a 4-for-1 visit. I also had some stuff to get to my mom before she goes and visits brother and sister-in-law 2 (and that nephew). Nephew is at such a fun age and is just kind of hilarious. Anyway, I had the absolute best dream while I was there. I don't often have dreams I remember, but this one was shortly before I woke up, and it was really vivid.

I was on a school bus with a bunch of people from my small group (because even the best dreams have to involve some unusual circumstances). I was sitting alone. We all were; the bus wasn't full. This guy who I have been crushing on for a while came over to me, sat down next to me, and began telling me how I was different and how he appreciated that about me. In a totally genuine way. And he gave me the hugest smile. I thanked him, and he immediately asked if I wanted him to change the music on the bus. I hadn't noticed it one way or the other, but he got up and went to go change it. I woke up after that, but in my dream after he said that to me, I thought to myself I needed to pinch myself because this couldn't possibly real. Obviously it wasn't because it was a dream, and I woke up a little bit on the disappointed side that it was. But the whole thing was such a great reassurance that better things are ahead. Not necessarily in relation to this guy (although I would for sure not complain), but just in general.

I watched the movie How to Be Single this afternoon. It was a bit different than I was expecting. It reminded me a lot of He's Just Not That Into You, which makes sense because the books the respective movies were based on were written by the same person. Granted the former is a novel and the later is a self help book of sorts, but I digress. It was basically about how being single teaches you how to be alone. And what is true is that there are things I want to be better at doing alone before I permanently alter else's aloneness.

I am reminded of a quote I pinned a few years ago. My baby cousin who was 12 at the time commented how much she loved it. I ended up painting it on a canvas for her for her birthday (which turned out really well, if I do say so myself). I have the quote written on a sticky note on the top of my desk, and I continually reference back to it in regards to this aspect of my life.

"God has perfect timing. Never early, never late. It takes a little bit of patience and a whole lot of faith, but it's always worth the wait."

God has perfect timing. He's never early, He's never late. Sometimes God's best "yes" is a "not right now" or a "no." I'm still coming to terms with the fact that lots of things I anticipated would be part of my life (most notably a husband and children) could be a "no," but I'll get there. In some ways, I sense that He may be working on my heart in regards to children. I want them, but I have moments where I seriously question it in ways I never have before. And I don't know if that is God or if that is just a product of my maturing, my experiences at work, and being around more parents with really young children than I have been in the past.

But if, in the end, it is actually a "no," I will eventually get to a place where I am mostly okay with it. Or at least I hope I will. I trust that if it is a "no," God will bring me peace about it when the time is right. But for right now, I'm choosing to be thankful for right now and for this time to be alone.

Greatness

I don't want to pursue the greatness of what could be while I miss the greatness that is.

Time and time again

This is not a post I thought I would ever write, but in some ways, it's a post I'm thankful I am writing. I'm definitely thankful that I am writing this post now and not months from now.

I started talking to a guy about two and a half or three weeks ago. Things were going really well. He had a great sense of humor, was easy to talk to, was respectful of me, and just in general seemed to be a good guy who had the big things I was looking for.

When we talked on Monday night, we agreed that we were going to meet up this weekend. We texted a little bit Tuesday morning, and then mid-morning he stopped responding. That's not super out of the ordinary to go a few hours without hearing from him, but when I still hadn't heard from him by yesterday evening, I started to get a little worried. Thinking either he had ghosted (which was never a fear of mine until I started online dating, not that I was doing much offline dating prior to that, but I didn't even know that was a thing!) or that something had happened. When I tried to call last night, his phone went straight to voicemail, which I thought was strange, but he has been having some phone issues, and I figured that maybe it had finally died and he just hadn't been able to go get it fixed/get a new one.

I called again this evening after not hearing from him all day (again, very unusual), and it still went straight to voicemail. Odd, but still within the lines of a broken phone. Until I googled him. I had googled him once before because that is just kind of what I do for my own safety. (Side note, the last guy I went on a date with had a notice come up when I searched his name in the arrest records in our county, and I'm sure you can imagine my relief when it was just a boating violation - like not having enough life jackets or some such - which I found hilarious and it had also been dismissed). Nothing came up. Well, nothing of concern. I found a few things, but the standard. If you searched my name, you would find the same kind of things. Well, this time when I googled him, I saw something that was posted today. A DUI arrest record. I clicked on it, and sure enough, it was him.

Wasn't expecting that.

He looks concerningly and disturbingly put together in his mug shot. I showed it to one of my friends who said he would practically have to be an alcoholic to look that put together after a DUI. Did I also mention that this DUI occurred just after 11:00? In the MORNING?! I mean a DUI is a DUI. It's bad and driving under the influence is a terrible thing to do because of how badly it can ruin the lives of other people, no matter what time of day you do it at. But if you are drunk enough to get a DUI at 11:00 AM, you probably have a pretty significant drinking problem.

I am weirdly okay with the whole situation. Okay isn't the right word. I just am calm about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a little disappointed because I did like the guy, but he clearly has a drinking issue, and that is not something I am going to be involved with. Mostly, I am feeling unbelievably thankful for God's provision and for the way He looks after me time and time and time and time and time and time again.

I can't help but wonder if I missed something along the way. If he was drinking when we were talking and I didn't realize it because that was what normal was for him. I couldn't have known, particularly without being around him, but I can't help but wonder. I don't recall him ever mentioning drinking, or if he did at all, it was randomly and not in depth. Certainly nothing that would raise a red flag.

I can't help but be thankful that this happened now and not a week or a month from now. He had been passively dragging his feet about getting together. I hadn't asked, but he hadn't brought it up. I finally brought it up on Monday, and I cannot tell you how glad I am that this happened before we met in person.

I told one of my friends that if things didn't work out with the last guy I was talking to (boating violation guy), I was going to take a break from online dating. I didn't really because things were up in the air with him for a while, and by the time they were really over, I was already talking to this guy. I am taking this as a sign that I need to really take a break from online dating. A long one. Maybe a permanent one, but definitely a long one. It is not healthy for me to continue getting to a place where I am engaging in enough conversation with someone that I have become attached only to have something happen. Plus, between this situation and the situation I referenced back here, I have concerns about my safety that I have not always had.

God constantly comes through for me in the moments when it matters most, and I'm sure in the little tiny moments that I often fail to notice. How can I really expect that He won't come through for me in other big things like a potential husband. Or maybe coming through looks like staying single because that is what is best for His kingdom and for me. I don't know. But I do know that even when it doesn't feel like it, He always has my best interest in mind, and at this point in time, online dating is not part of that.

Pursued

I have been reading a young adult book the last few days. The story was predictable, and I knew as I was reading it that I would probably cry before the book was over based on the direction the book was heading, particularly because of some recent life circumstances.

The book was basically about a teenage love triangle with some family and friend drama thrown in. The girl eventually ends up with her dream guy only to realize that he isn't the right guy. She knows that the right guy is the right guy but feels conflicted because he's not what she wants. The right guy has changed in lots of ways from the beginning of the story, and you can tell how she and the right guy have made one another better. How they fit together. And he sees her with dream guy, and instead of doing all the things he would have done at the beginning of the book. He chases after her. He pursues her. He waits for her.

And I cried. I cried reading how he pursued her, and the words, "I just someone who will pursue me" came out of my mouth.

I can't help but just ache. Ache for what isn't. Ache for what may not ever be. I can't help but think about the fact that when my mom was my age, she had been married for five years and was less than a month away from having her first child.

I know I can't compare myself. Or shouldn't compare myself. I know that a relationship will not complete me.

But many days I come home or want to go out and I just wish that I had someone to share my life with. It feels lonelier than I am able to admit and more painful than I am often able or willing to acknowledge.

After an especially difficult day at work on Monday, I came home and all I really wanted was a big long hug. And there isn't a single person within 100 miles of me who I feel comfortable asking for that.

And I just ache.