The music plays on

Ninety percent of the time when I am listening to music at home, I have my iTunes on random with my 4-star and 5-star songs. Of course I occasionally get in the mood for a particular type of music or a particular artist, and so I will adjust as needed, but most of the time I enjoy the randomness and variation of going from "O Fortuna" to "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele to "Question" by the Old 97's to "I'm Lucky" with Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait. I find that my life is random and jumbled, and half the time I don't know what is coming next, despite my best efforts. I sometimes chose to repeat songs once, twice, maybe even three times if it has hit a chord (no pun intended) with me in that particular moment. Kind of how I tend to relive life events, no matter how big or small, in my head over and over and over again. Or sometimes I physically go out and do the same things over and over, and I will get so stuck in living in the past that I choose not to continue on with my life. Continue on with what will come next. The thing is, more often than not, when I choose to listen to a song two, three, four times in a row, I do eventually let it go on, and what I have discovered is that more often than not, the song that comes after the one I have just been repeating is one I like more than the song on which I have been fixating. It has happened often enough that I can recall at least three other times when I have mentally started this post, and I cannot help but wonder what that means. How that music analogy must apply to my life.

Moving to the city I am now has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. Ever. I had more worry than I knew what to do with, days I spent being anxious about things to come, concerns about living by myself in a city where I knew almost nobody, and was going to be starting grad school full time. And paying for it without assistance. All of that to say, initially, it wasn't easy. I never regretted it by any means, but I also look back at my first few months here and see how lonely and difficult they were. I also see how much I love my life now. How much I love the people I have met, and how much I love the person I am becoming. All because I chose to stop hitting the repeat button of my life.

I don't know what my life is going to look like in seven months time, and that? That is terrifying. (It's also terrifying that I just tried to spell that word "terryfying"). Could I stay in the city I am in now? Sure! I could. I could continue with the job I have now in addition to getting another part time job until I find one in my field. I could move home and do the same. I am not saying that I won't stay in this city. I mean I fully intend to apply for jobs here, but I also will not stay here indefinitely if I don't find one. I have to allow myself to move forward; to play the next song if the one playing now is nearing its end, and while that is hard at times, I also know that better things, a better song, is ahead if I allow it to be. And who knows, maybe the new song means staying here. I don't know. What I do know is that in December, the last note of the grad school song will play, and no matter how beautiful it has been, is, and will be, the music must play on.