Pursued

I have been reading a young adult book the last few days. The story was predictable, and I knew as I was reading it that I would probably cry before the book was over based on the direction the book was heading, particularly because of some recent life circumstances.

The book was basically about a teenage love triangle with some family and friend drama thrown in. The girl eventually ends up with her dream guy only to realize that he isn't the right guy. She knows that the right guy is the right guy but feels conflicted because he's not what she wants. The right guy has changed in lots of ways from the beginning of the story, and you can tell how she and the right guy have made one another better. How they fit together. And he sees her with dream guy, and instead of doing all the things he would have done at the beginning of the book. He chases after her. He pursues her. He waits for her.

And I cried. I cried reading how he pursued her, and the words, "I just someone who will pursue me" came out of my mouth.

I can't help but just ache. Ache for what isn't. Ache for what may not ever be. I can't help but think about the fact that when my mom was my age, she had been married for five years and was less than a month away from having her first child.

I know I can't compare myself. Or shouldn't compare myself. I know that a relationship will not complete me.

But many days I come home or want to go out and I just wish that I had someone to share my life with. It feels lonelier than I am able to admit and more painful than I am often able or willing to acknowledge.

After an especially difficult day at work on Monday, I came home and all I really wanted was a big long hug. And there isn't a single person within 100 miles of me who I feel comfortable asking for that.

And I just ache.