I recently had something happen that warrants a response, but I am wise enough not to engage in any further conversation with the person, so my response is going here.
Dear Asshole,
First of all, I just want to say that things just didn't feel quite right from the get go. I clearly need to do a better job of trusting my gut. But that, unlike pretty much everything else that transpired, isn't your fault. I should have known better, and that is completely on me.
You are clearly completely full of shit. There is no doubt in my mind about it. Because I asked you about something very specific that you knew was a deal breaker for me, and you gave me the answer you knew I wanted to hear. Again, I should have known better. Things didn't line up the way they should have, and I shouldn't have ignored that, but how dare you! How dare you claim that you're an honest person and that honesty is one of the most important things to you in a relationship. I'm honestly embarrassed for you.
And that's really just the starting point. Again, I should have known better when you pushed me to make a decision about something I wanted to take more time to think about. And I should have known better than to play along with it when you argued that time wasn't going to change anything. That should have been my sign to walk away. Well, run away. Or move away. Or do anything other than sit around. I am reminded of something I read around the time I started doing online dating. It basically said if it wasn't "fuck yes," it was no. This was not "fuck yes." Not by a long stretch of the imagination. And again, I should have known. I shouldn't have even toyed around with it. I should have walked away and not even bothered looking back.
Looking back is what I do, though. Which you probably know because I told you my reason for wanting to wait was that I am someone who needs time to think through things. So we talked. I explained no fewer than five times what I was thinking and what my reasoning for things were. You argued with me. You were unwilling to actually listen to what I was saying. You choose to be a selfish asshole instead of a compromising gentleman. And when you did finally agree to compromise, you did it in a way that you intentionally put me in a place of guilt. So thanks for that.
And then you made my decision incredibly easy. You allowed me to stop overanalyzing. You let me do what my gut was arguing with my head about. And I told you that. I made it very clear what my decision was. There was absolutely zero ambiguity in what I said. There were zero shades of grey in my response to that obscene message of yours.
Then you have the gall to call me five and a half hours later. I answered, not wanting my phone to go to voicemail, and said something along the lines of, "I don't want to talk to you."
And because that wasn't enough, you texted me too. I, thinking it would make you leave me alone, responded. I summarized what I thought of you in one sentence, while somehow managing to be polite, and ended with, "Please leave me alone."
Again, zero shades of grey in that. Please leave me alone doesn't leave anything to the imagination.
You responded. You asked me to hear you out. To allow you to explain yourself.
And then you called me again. I answered and immediately hung up without even saying anything.
So you texted me again telling me that I would not hear from you again unless I initiated contact. "Great!," I thought. "He got the picture," I thought.
I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I thought wrong.
Because he called me three more times in the next 15 minutes. The last time, I said something. Again. Basically, "I asked you to leave me alone." After that, I blocked his number because clearly "Leave me alone," "I don't want to talk to you," and "Stop calling me." did not make things clear enough.
And then it got better, because he used another phone to call me. Twice. So I blocked that number too. So he, of course, reverted back to messaging me on the dating site because, hey, why not?
And you, among other things, made a comment about us being friends. Or if not friends, asking me to let you know if you should leave me alone.
You know, because me vocalizing that on the phone twice and in text messages twice was not clear enough.
In fact, I don't think it's inappropriate for me to just copy what you said word for word.
"I heard you out when you tried to reach out to me to tell me how you feel. I was very disrespectful and rude. I am very sorry. All I am asking is if we can be friends or if you want me to leave you alone period. Why is it so hard to respond and give me an answer. I listened when you needed to speak your mind. So I guess it is ok for you to speak your mind, but no one else can."
You have no idea how much restraint it took not to rip that apart.
But I didn't. Not to you. Although I'm about to. Not sure what that says about my restraint. Either way, I am at least wise enough to know better than to engage in any kind of anything with you.
1. You really didn't hear me out. I had to explain myself multiple times, and even when you finally heard what I was saying and allowed yourself to compromise, you made me feel guilty about it. The words, "And I'm going to say, 'I told you so.'" are not generally words that create warm fuzzy feelings.
2. Yes, you were disrespectful and rude. I'm glad you realized that, but "very" is a crutch word. You weren't very disrespectful and rude. You were disrespectful and rude and should be embarrassed and feel guilty about what you did. Saying you are "very sorry" is not an apology. It's a string of words that is supposed to sound nice but comes across as fake and ingenuine.
3. No. You're not asking if we can be friends. Because, literally, every conversation we had up until this point, you made it pretty clear that it was all or nothing. That we had to be in a relationship or that you wanted nothing to do with me. You were insistent on one of those two things happening right then, and you were insistent that there were no other options.
4. Again, there should be no question about if I wanted you to leave me alone period. I had made it crystal clear. Although somehow, it was apparently about as clear as mud to you.
5. It's so hard to respond and give you an answer because I already did respond and give you an answer. As soon as you did that thing last night, I immediately responded and made my thoughts very clear.
6. Not sure what you want to speak your mind about. Because I don't think there is any way you can explain away the obscenity of what you sent me. And I, in absolutely no way, even remotely hinted that I wanted what happened to happen. There was nothing to be misunderstood.
7. My choosing not to respond and/or listen does not keep you from choosing to speak your mind. Truthfully, if you had written something else on there, I probably would have read it. I probably would have rolled my eyes, laughed, and shared what you said with the entire world, but I did not keep you from speaking your mind. You did that.
The last thing I really have to say is thank you. Thank you for doing me the favor of making it incredibly easy for me to follow my gut. For keeping me from second guessing anything about this situation. For giving me a way out before I was ever in.
And also, thank you for reminding me why I am so cautious about things. Why I value taking things slowly. Why anything other than "fuck yes" is no.
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