I'm worth waiting for

I know I never ever post about this, she said sarcastically, but I am in a place where relationships are practically thrown in my face. And because I am not in one, I often find myself contemplating what it is, exactly, that I want. There are a few things that are important off the bat. He has to be a Christian, he has to want children, and he can't smoke. If any of those criteria are not met, it is an immediate "no." There are other things too, of course. He should respect me, for instance. And not just me; he should just be a respectful person. And then it gets into things that are necessary, but in a looser way. Intelligence, for example, but intelligence is so many things. I am not necessarily talking about an IQ, although that may be part of it. I am a little more flexible on what I mean by "intelligence." I mean, we should be able to carry a decent conversation, and he needs to be intelligent enough to be able to hold a decent job, and I would appreciate a good dose of common sense. I would like for us to share common interests, but what those are isn't that big of a deal. If he likes cuddling up after a long day and reading together, that's fine. Or if that means that we go swim together, or cook together, or any number of other things, that is fine. It doesn't matter what those interests are, we just need to share a few. Then there are things that are bonuses. He doesn't shop at Walmart, he tries to eat organically, and he will kill bugs for me. I can live without those things, but if those characterize him, great!

I often wonder if I will have to settle. Partly because I am quirky. I have a wide variety of interests, beliefs, and views about things, and I know it would take a quirky guy to be able to fit along with that. The other part is that all of the seemingly "good guys" are taken. Most of the single guys I run into, I quickly realize why they are single. Goodness, some of the not single guys I run into, I wonder how they are not single.

After a few months of online dating, I have continued to have the same realization. I don't exactly have much experience with dating. And by much, I mean I don't have any. Yes, you read that right. I am almost 25 and have not ever been on a date. Before you ask, no, there is nothing "wrong" with me. I am quirky, for sure, and I wouldn't say that I am super attractive physically, but there isn't anything wrong with me.

Over the course of the last few months, I have communicated with several guys. Some the communication with is short because when you message me and all you say is, "Hey sexy," I am not going to respond to that. Others have made me laugh or made me think, so I have continued conversations with them. Most recently, I got one of the funniest messages from a guy who seemed to be a good match, at least in most ways. We talked for several days, and then today he decided it would be appropriate to tell me that he was horny. Now, there is a time and a place for that. The time is once you are in a serious relationship and are sexually active, and the place is in person in a private location, or maybe possibly over phone or text if you are going to see each other later that day. The time and place is never by text to a person you have been speaking with for a few days. I am not saying that I have never been horny. What I am saying is that I would never say that to a guy I have never even met.  More than anything, it was just a situation where I probably actually said out loud, "really?" I played it off, and he wouldn't let it go. At first I said I wasn't opposed to continuing the conversation, but it's kind of clear that he if this conversation did continue, he would be one that would not necessarily listen to what I was saying or respect my wishes physically. That is not okay.

If I am being honest, I like this guy. Or liked him, I don't know. Being with a guy who can make me laugh is an unbelievably huge turn on. Despite that, I am worth making myself wait. It is not worth it to me to be with a guy who doesn't treat me like I deserve just so that I can be with a guy. I would rather live my life as a single woman than live my life with a man who doesn't love me and respect me, and I think that, more than anything, is the conclusion I needed to come to.

I don't know if I will continue with the online dating thing. It's somewhat amusing, but it is also a bit time consuming. I don't know where I will be living at this time in four months. Truthfully, I have almost no idea what my life will look like in four months. It could look very similar to my life right now, or it could be different in about a million ways. I don't know, and that is okay, but that is also not particularly conducive to starting a relationship.

So today, and tomorrow, and in a few days when I turn 25, and in two weekends when I go to another wedding, and when I am around family at Thanksgiving and am reminded that I don't have a man by my side, and at Christmas when I don't get to exchange presents with my boyfriend, yes, I may be sad. I am giving myself permission to experience that sadness and to be okay with it, but I am also giving myself the permission to enjoy my life right now. I am giving myself permission to wait for years if that is what it takes. I am worth waiting for, and I am giving myself permission to wait.