When things end before they begin

About a month ago, I started talking to this guy. We have lots in common, share some similar interests, have similar beliefs and views about things, and just all around seemed pretty compatible. We went on a date a few weeks ago that was probably my most successful online date thus far. I was out of town for work the week right after our date, and then he was out of town for half of last week, so plans to go out again just hadn't happened, and I didn't think too much about it given the fact that we were collectively in town at the same time for about six days out of the last fifteen, and several of those he had people visiting.

This morning, I made a comment about getting drinks, and I know he saw it because he has those read receipts turned on on his phone. He hasn't talked to me all day.

All I really want to say is, "What the fuck?"

Buddy, if you weren't interested in me, you could have let me know after we went on our date. There was no need to waste both of our time talking for the next two weeks. I told one of my friends at one point that I wasn't sure where you were at in regards to me because you aren't particularly flirty or one to put your feelings out in the open, and I couldn't totally tell if it was you being you or if it was because you weren't interested. I told myself that he wouldn't still be talking to me if he wasn't at least a little bit interested. Hell, he was the one who made a comment about preferring meeting people rather than just talking to them online because you get to know people better that way (obviously). 

I know I can't blame myself. I mean, yes, something I said was what started this, but I'd rather find out now that he's dragging his feet and isn't really that interested than a month from now. I'm not interested in waiting around. I think if this has gone as south as I think it has, I'm going to take a break from all this for a while. 

The problem is that I start wondering what is wrong with me. The answer is nothing. I am not what he's looking for, which is fine. But it's hard not to take it personally. And then I get into this whole spiral about how I won't ever find anyone and I'll be 45 and still single and never have any children, and that breaks my heart. Sharing my life with someone doesn't seem like that big of an ask. And then things happen that make me feel like it's the biggest ask in the world. 

It hurts. It's hard. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Friend groups and obligation

It's no secret that I am an introvert. Through and through. There is no denying it. I am perfectly content to stay home for days at a time. Until there is a snow/ice storm, in which case I go stir crazy after about two day simply because I cannot go anywhere, but I digress. I am not, nor have I ever been, someone who needs to have plans every weekend. Sometimes, though, it's just nice to be invited. Especially when I am standing right there.

To some extent, I think my issues with this date back to childhood when I was quite often the third wheel among my two best friends. Of course, I have realized in retrospect that one of those friends was never actually my friend. The other one was, and I was petty about some stuff that caused some things to change. In high school, I had two distinct friend groups that sometimes intermingled. One was a group of five, the other a group of three. I think you can probably guess where I fell among those groups.

In college, I didn't really have a consistent friend group, but I was also consistently lonely. There were people here and there; my roommate, a girl I had several classes with who was also my roommate's best friend's roommate, a girl I went to church with. And that was about it.

Grad school is the first time that comes to mind where there were a group of friends and I consistently felt like part of the group. There were the core 4 of us, and a few others who were nearly always invited, and would hang out with us at times, but mostly it was the 4 of us. I know I just acknowledged that there have been times when somebody who could be considered a 5th wheel, but i don't think I ever intentionally didn't invite someone to something. Chili's nights (which were 95% of the hanging out we did outside of school) were always an open invitation.

So now here I am in my "real" adult life. I, again, have two very distinct friend groups. My co-workers and my church friends. I occasionally feel awkward with my co-workers, but part of that is that I "joined" that group after they had been working together for a while. My church friends are a little less inclusive. That's sad, right?

There is a big group of about 30 of us who are either in small group together or have been at some point and do things outside church and small group occasionally - movie nights, bonfires, etc. Within that group, there are, of course smaller groupings. One of those groups is some of the first people I met when I started going to church there. There are five of them. Well, four; one just moved. Last night, some of us got together for dinner and a bonfire. Three of the four were there and while another girl and I were standing right there, started talking about the lunch plans they had with each other today. Or will reference something they did together previously, talk about a group text, or make comments about having something they need to talk about with one another but, "not right now." I know that sounds SO petty, but it really just feels shitty to be standing right there listening to them go on about their plans and know I'm not invited. I'm sure I could say something, and I have thought about it. Of course, the needing to talk to somebody about something I get, but there are less rude ways to go about doing that. And while, yes, it is really annoying, I have also realized that I don't need to waste my time with people who don't want me there. That's easier to tell myself than it is to feel, because it still feels really crappy. Sometimes, I just want to feel like I am wanted. Like people actually notice if I'm not there. Then I started thinking about one of the other girls who is newish to our group who I think is absolutely hilarious and who I can easily pick up a conversation with. She and her husband have only been in town for a while, and I think they have some friends, but it made me think about the fact that I should invite her to hang out sometime. Because she is somebody I would WANT to hang out with.

I have a serious case of FOMO at times, but at the end of the day, I don't need to waste my time with people who only have me around out of obligation.

Guys and subpar songs

This morning on the way to church, I was listening to the radio. That's pretty typical. On Sunday mornings, the radio station I listen to 99% of the time has an "unplugged" segment with acoustic, live, and alternate recordings of songs. Most of the time, I don't mind hearing these alternate and unpolished songs (and fortunately, the radio station plays music of people who can actually sing and don't need significant polishing). Anyhow, this morning they were playing a song I have heard multiple times before. I like the song okay; not my favorite, but it's not one of those songs that forces me to change the station when it comes on. On this particular version, the artist took a little too much artistic liberty (think when people choose to let their vocal cords loose in an effort to sound unique at the end of the National Anthem). I couldn't take it. It sounded absolutely ridiculous and made an otherwise okay song sound awful. So I turned off the radio, and for whatever reason, I had an epiphany. I mean, not really because I have thought about this before, it was just a new context.

Being with a guy for the sake of being with a guy or for the sake of not being single is like listening to a subpar song because I would rather listen to something than nothing. Rather listen to outside noise than the noise in my own head.

Exhausted and lucky

In the midst of the inconsistency, insanity, and overall overwhelmingness that is my job, I sometimes forget to appreciate the little moments that are the reason why I do what I do.

Today I was an architect, a car manufacturer, a chef, a mother, and an expert hula hooper.

I don't know many people who can say that. I come home exhausted pretty much every day, but man, I sure am lucky.

Closure?

We are on day three of snow days (and by snow, what I actually mean is about half an inch that is just enough to make the roads wet and then freeze overnight; it's really just enough to keep whoever makes the decision about canceling school cancel school. Have I mentioned before that I live in the south?), so I have taken it upon myself to catch up on some reading. And by catch up on, I actually mean start reading the pile of books I have ordered from Amazon in the last few months that tend to sit on my bookshelf and collect dust.

The book I am currently reading is Beautiful Uncertainty by Mandy Hale. At the end of one of the chapters, she leaves a space for the reader to write a letter to someone with whom they haven't had closure. A past significant other, a friend, a family member. Anyone, really. I looked at the page with no intention of writing in the book, but pondered the idea. Is there anyone I don't have closure with? I can think of a few people in the past with whom I haven't had closure, but as someone who writes relatively regularly and any time a situation warrants it, I couldn't think of anyone with whom I don't have closure. It may not be a collective closure, but I have made closure in my own way with everyone I need to make it with. So I started thinking about people who are currently in my life. Are there any people who are currently in my life but with whom there is a past situation that is without closure, and the answer there is also no. I mean there are certainly some situations in which people in my life and I don't see things eye to eye, and I have addressed it with the person and also with myself to the extent that is appropriate and necessary.

I couldn't stop asking myself, "Is there anyone with whom I don't have closure?" The only person I could think of was myself. I don't know what that says or what that means or how to even begin working my way through what it would look like to have closure with myself. You can't really have closure with yourself, because life is a series of growing, changing and moving forward, but I guess I see it as having things from the past that I have not resolved.

The two that immediately come to mind are my weight and my career choice. The unresolution of my  career choice is mostly, I think, because it's new and there are so many days I don't think I am doing anything more than I think it was actually the wrong career choice.

I currently weigh the most I have ever weighed, I don't look good, and I don't feel great. Somehow I'm unmotivated and undetermined to change things, and I don't know why.

I had a little bit of a breakdown at work last week, and as a result decided it was time to go see a counselor. I'm in the process of getting a referral through the employee assistance program my work has because the first two people I got referred to don't have availability during times I'm not working, but I digress. I had been wondering what in the world I actually intended to bring to counseling other than the fact that I have a high stress job, but I think the mere fact that I the only person I can think of with whom I don't have closure is myself is a pretty good place to start.